So I’m overdue for an update…

A lot has happened since the last time I posted. We are still in a pandemic (hard to believe it’s been one year already). I got a new car. But, the biggest news of all is we are now a family of 4!

Introducing Camden Leigh…

At my 36 week appointment, it was determined that baby boy was breech. After a lot of consideration, talking to friends, family, and of course my doctor, we decided to try an external cephalic version (ECV) to try and flip the baby. My doctor felt I was a good candidate, and if it didn’t work I was prepared to have a scheduled cesarean section. With how awful my delivery with Nolan was, I was totally prepared for a c-section…I thought anything had to be better than a forceps delivery again.

During my 37th week, my husband and I checked into the hospital expecting to flip the baby and go home (though I was secretly hoping it would at least just start the labor process). I had been having occasional contractions, but nothing rhythmic to indicate that I was going into labor. First let me tell you, I am beyond grateful that my doctor and OB team recommended getting an epidural for the procedure. I had heard horror stories of women who didn’t receive one, and while I have a high pain tolerance, I’m not quite sure I could’ve managed it. They started with an ultrasound to confirm he was still breech (there was a small chance he could have flipped from my last appointment). I’ll give you one guess…yep, he was still breech! (This was possibly an indication that I was about to have another stubborn baby…it doesn’t help that my husband and I are the definition of stubborn.). The doctors attempted the ECV, and unfortunately, it was unsuccessful. They monitor you and baby throughout the entire process, and when they went to check on baby, his heart rate had dropped pretty significantly. We tried a couple things to see if we could get it back up, but ultimately the doctors made the decision to perform an emergency cesarean. I still have the image of me on all fours on the hospital bed being raced down the hallway to the operating room. Baby was born just as my husband entered the OR (he had been putting on his hospital gown, so if that gives any indication of how quickly the doctors delivered him).

While this post is part birth announcement (at least on this platform), it’s also to bring to light birth trauma. Having worked with mental health and education issues for most of my career, I am not one to shy away from talking about topics related to mental health, wellness, and social-emotional wellbeing. So I feel it’s important to talk about the joys of motherhood, but also the scary bits. Neither of my births were picturesque. They were hard…fucking hard. My water broke with Nolan and by the time we got to the hospital, he had already passed meconium (the baby’s first poop that resembles a thick, tarry mess). This can cause complications at birth, including aspirating the meconium. On top of that, I developed an infection during labor, chorio. This meant both baby and I would require antibiotics. After hours of pushing, he just wasn’t coming on his own. My first child was pried from my body…with forceps.

Meconium + chorio + forceps = first traumatic birth

breech + failed ECV + emergency cesarean = second traumatic birth

I never had that overwhelming “hallelujah” moment after giving birth that you see in the movies, where you’re overcome with all of this love and emotion. I was too tired and in too much pain. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I love my boys any less. It doesn’t make me any less of a mother. It just means giving birth for me was hard as fuck. And I’m not alone.

A week after I had Camden, a high school friend, Jasmine Sassack who is now a doula specializing in hypnobirthing and the host of “The Birth Zone” podcast, posted something on Instagram that really resonated with me. It was about birth trauma. The post was so validating for all of the emotions I was experiencing.

I hope that any woman out there reading this knows that it’s okay if your birth wasn’t what you had hoped or imagined. It’s okay if you feel angry, upset, or cheated by your birth. It’s okay to not be okay.

If you’re expecting and interested in learning more about what Jasmine can offer, you can follow Jasmine on Instagram or Facebook, as well as listen to “The Birth Zone” podcast on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.